Every other year we can count on the phone call. The one that comes the morning after we celebrate Christmas with Aaron. The one from his mom. And while I've never invaded his privacy so much as to listen in, it's not hard to know what's being said.
Immediately after the usual pleasantries, the "Hi Mommies," the "Yes, Christmas was so much fun" comes the inventory. It didn't take long for us to figure out that it wasn't one-sided. Aaron has a habit of repeating questions; "What did Santa bring?" or "What else did I get?" and "What did Grandma give me?" repeated into the phone give away just as much as picking up the other line would.
The same conversation usually follows his birthday party. Or if we go on vacation, a detailed itinerary of how we spent each day accompanies any phone calls to her.
We are a two income family. The bio-mom, though married, is not. Those are the choices we all have made. So often we do more here, give more. Vacations are a little grander, stockings a little fuller.
That's not to say that the choice we made is better. I know childhood isn't just about things. And I'd be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I question the decision we made.
Because there are trade-offs. And the biggest one is time.
The bio-mom gets to be present in his classroom. She has time for regular game nights. She's there every afternoon for his homework.
Parenting shouldn't be a competition, but the differences that result from our choices often make it one. We should all be happy that he has the opportunity to be happy no matter where he is. We should be happy that he gains something different from each of us. Unfortunately, that's not the reality.
On New Year's Eve this year, we told Aaron we would try to stay up so he could, too. He said something about how much fun he would have next year at his mom's house, playing Super Scrabble and drinking hot cocoa.
When you're a blended family, statements like that aren't just observations, they can be challenges. A challenge to J.R. to make the night memorable. A challenge not to have to listen all night to what else he could be doing.
The popcorn was popped, a Wii competition ensued, and the night ended with the proclamation "That was the best New Year's Eve ever." Mission accomplished.
Because even though it shouldn't be a competition, it is. It's something we're aware of, but don't talk about. It's something we all do.
Because someday, Aaron will get to choose. In three years, if he wants a change, the courts will listen to him. With his driver's license in seven years comes the freedom to do as he pleases. And even after he moves away from home, there will be holidays, vacations, the best table at the wedding reception--choices between mom and dad.
So we do what we have to do. We are careful about what he notices. We try to be subtle. It's not something we're proud of. It's not healthy. Yet in it's own way, it's an act of love. And if I had a choice, it would be different. But in this case, the choices aren't mine to make.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
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12 comments:
I think he is very lucky to have two sets of parents who do so much for him. You are the best stepmom - really.
I feel for you. And I agree with Kate whole-heartedly.
Hubby's brother went through a divorce with two children, and we watch the same thing play out for them. I cannot even imagine how difficult this situation must be for people like you who are living it every day.
(And bio-Mom calling to question him about gifts and activities?? That's just WRONG and puts Aaron in a very awkward position. Not fair for a kid. Grr!)
It sounds like you deal with it wonderfully, and someday, Aaron will recognize how lucky he is to be surrounded by so much love.
I think you're right - it's an act of love. Don't feel bad about it. You're a great mama!
As you know I am in a very similar situation-but my girl is now over 18 and making her own decisions. I have felt so many of those same things. She said after this Christmas with bio-mom that from now on she'd rather be with us. (There were many reasons, but let's just say I had to swallow a big WHOOT!)
On questioning about the gifts and activities, though, I'd like to add this thought. When we have asked those same questions it was ONLY to make the girl feel like we cared, and to know what she'd been up to. It was never a competition, never trying to one up the other. It is really hard to avoid those feelings though, and I certainly had them regarding other things.
As another aside, (not to bring you down, this was my slap in the face,) the court could care less about step-parents. The moderator even told my husband so. They basically looked at me as a glorified child-care provider-nevermind that I had quit my job to be a full time mom to her, and had been doing it longer than her mother ever did. My husband had to fight the urge to punch the guy.
Blended families are HARD!!! Hang in there!
I can only imagine how difficult it can be sometimes to negotiate the challenges of a blended family.
My husband gained a step-Mom well after he was already living on his own, and still - I can tell you that his step-Mom is every bit my kid's Grammie as my own Mom is to them.
Hang in there!
That sounds very tough, indeed. We have something similar but different at our home - since the girls spend the entire day at their grandmother's (my mother's) house, every single day when I pick them up feels like a competition to see who they love more, who does more for them. Worse is that my mother seems determined to win.
I feel for you.
I really admire your honesty here. Aaron is so lucky to have you for a step-mom.
Blended families are tough. I can only imagine.
I can't even imagine how many factors and emotions this situation adds into raising a child. (As if that isn't difficult enough!) You write about it so honestly, I know you inject that honesty into your relationship with your son too. That's all you can do.
This one hits a bit close too home for me...because I was the one in Aaron's place. For me it was my dad and step-mom competing, with I think their own heads, to out-do my mom.
The one thing I can tell you is that he's still young, so the what do I get next and what can I get out of them, is still so easy. In another few years, he'll want consistency and a bit less questioning of the other house in his life. The day will come when he'll see it for what it is, her jealousy or whatever, but he'll come to see it. All you and JR can do is keep providing for him in your way. One thing my mom always said to us is, well this is how it is in my house. I hated that statement as a kid, but I use it now on my own kids.
you are a fabulous mother to him! A family member is facing a split up and I can't envision the life for the kids.
Oh how I can relate to this first hand. It is amazing the things that come out of their mouths after being with their bio-mom for 5 days. You know they are things taht are planted with the intention they will hurt their father. It really is so very sad. We don't have to deal with the phone calls though. But we do know that the questions are asked. And we do know they are fed certain things to tell us when we get them. It is like clock work. While we pay her a good chunk of money every month, we are better off than she is and yet doesn't like at all what we can do for them. She isn't at all happy that they are safe and happy when they aren't with her, she just sees it as we are keeping them from her or trying to hurt her. It's just awful. I like you think about how things are going to be when they are old enough to make the decision on their own. I wonder if they will choose the place where they have less rules, but get less attention, are able to roam free but constantly yelled at. Or if they will choose the place where there are rules and discipline but are showed with love and affection, where they have chores but have stability and structure. Oh the things that run through my head. I can totally relate to you. And you don't want to compete, but sometimes it is really hard not to.
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